Open thoughts from someone facing secondary infertility
Today was the first day ever where I actually felt the need to avoid social media. Normally I am perfectly fine scrolling past all the stuff I don’t want to engage with, like politics or useless drama. Today, however, I just couldn’t deal with the posts. They weren’t the drama posts though, they were happy posts. Adorable baby posts. I’m so blessed to have one of my own but I’m struggling to have another. Somehow I’ve developed infertility issues. Secondary infertility is the correct term for it. My suspicion is PCOS but I haven’t been officially diagnosed with it yet. You would think that if pregnancy happened once it would happen again, right? Apparently not; not for the last year and a half anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and family that have had babies and I’m so over the moon happy for them. It’s hard to explain how it feels. I can also tell when they aren’t sure if they should discuss it with me, since they know how badly I want it for myself. Most days I do want to hear all about it but not always.
Lately, all I see are pregnancy announcements or newborns. This might be because I focus so much more on them at the moment. It’s such an odd feeling to feel so happy for someone else but so sad at the same time. It’s also hard to feel sad about not getting pregnant when you actually do have a wonderful son already. I know there are SO many people that can’t have children at all. Had I gone through my first pregnancy thinking it would be my one and only maybe I wouldn’t be so upset about it not happening again, but that just wasn’t the plan. The thought of never being able to go through it again or not being able to feel those feelings again is indescribable. I’m also not giving up, there are many options that we haven’t explored yet and we still have plenty of time, but the idea that it just isn’t happening after trying for so long is disheartening. I’m beyond grateful to have the child that I have but that doesn’t take away the longing to have another baby. The constant negative pregnancy tests are so hard, especially when you think that THIS time might actually be THE time.
So, when those three babies were born today and they flooded my timeline I had to look away. Another day I’ll look at them and I’ll push all the like and love buttons because babies make me so happy. But for today I’m writing this with hope that anyone else struggling with secondary infertility can understand that it’s okay to look away if it’s too much. It’s okay to be happy for someone else and be super disappointed at the same time. I promise you that you’re not the only one smiling on the outside and tearful on the inside.